Blowing Florets

Here I am,

Making wishes again.

Wishin' he would do better.

Wishin' he would step up.

Wishin' I could leave

Wishin' I could see why God wants me

here with this family. 

Give up my dreams, 

give up everything...

For what?

An island?

I don't think so.

Laziness may have grown its roots in you,

but it won't take hold in me.

No more wishin',

It's time for action.

trophy wife

I used to be loving. 

Used to be creative. 

I used to have effort I wanted to give,

I used to have a life I wanted to live..

Now I'm just a trophy on a shelf,

I guess I'm not even good enough 

for myself.

What's the point? 

This is a joke.

All I want to do is smoke..

I guess I could do things for me,

it's the only way to get a guarantee. 

Everything he does is like play-pretend,

When does this suffering end?

I just want a husband who means

what he says. 

He said he's always tired,

does that mean I'm not worth it?

ruin it..

What if God hates me?

What if I'm unforgivable?

What if the things that I do

lead back to you and just...

ruin it..

What if I'm failing and falling

at the same time?

What do I do when I can't do anything?

How do you support someone 

who wrecked things for you?
How do you follow through?

What's the point of a promise

if all has been compromised?

What do you even do?

How do I know I haven't made it worse?

What now? What next?

Do I just keep acting blind?

Do I just keep believing

everything will work out?

What is support supposed to look like

when everything is ruined?

I'm a doer, problem-solver, 

action is my name. 

What do I do when I can't do anything?

facing the end of myself

Here I am,

facing the end of myself..

I am questioning my motives, 

reciting my morals,

revisiting my last words,

to be certain..

What did I do?

I shoulda kept my mouth shut,

that's what I shoulda done..

All the work I put in,

just to watch it come undone.

Replace every letter under the sun

until my extremities are totally numb

Why does family have this tendency

to make me feel dumb?

I didn't know I could feel 

two things at once.

Giving up is appealing,

but Hope assigns this need for action.

Why does everything feel like its clashing 

within my soul? 

How could I know?

Guess it's time for me to let go..

But what am I now?

I used to be creative,

I used to see the little light

in the big darkness..

But what am I now?

Now, I am a failure

a quitter

ashamed..

I once could devise a path to greatness, 

yet now, I can only see the path I'm on.

I drafted so many plans,

I dreamed all the dreams you could dream,

only to watch them crash while I screamed.

So what am I?

Am I useful? Am I helpful?

Am I smart enough? Strong enough?

Enough?

Am i?

It doesn't feel like it..

It feels like I have burned my last bridge,

like I'm on the edge again.

I used to know how to manage my money,

did inflation change the game?

God said these things don't matter,

and I want to believe Him.

But why is it so hard to have faith?

Am I so broken

that I can't see the light in myself?

Can I do anything?

Through your mistakes and your shames,

You are beautiful and sweet, all the same.

Through your mistakes and your shames,

all the parts that you blame..

You are scared you'll never change,

but I can't see why you're afraid;

You are beautiful and sweet, all the same.