Only now, a year later.

I drove by her house today,

hoping you'd be there. 

Or maybe I would pass you driving in,

as I was leaving. 

Is it really only now,

that I am finally beginning to process this?

Only now, a year later?

I am so saddened by this betrayal. 

I've been trying not to think about it,

it hurts me so much.

I've drowned it in alcohol.

I've blacked it out every night and day,

so I could pretend I was okay without you.

But then I started having panic attacks.

After hearing a song,

driving by a certain spot,

and it would hit me so hard I couldn't breathe.

Finally I stopped drinking.

And it is all sinking in a second time,

feeling like I did when Jeff left me

and my mom died.

How long will it take me this time?

Will I ever heal from this enough

to only have a scar?

Or will there always be an aching there,

like there is with my mom?

There are so many reasons I have

to hate you.

Be angry with you.

But I am simply at a loss for words.

I let a whole year pass by me,

and didn't try to participate in my own life.

Only now, a year later,

I feel the ache every day. 

Because I stopped blacking it out,

and trying to forget. 

Trying to forget

every wonderful thing you did for me,

that you now do for her.

Trying to forget every hurtful thing said to me

and the scars I have on my knees from you

pushing and shoving.

When I look in the mirror, 

I can still see the dark circles under my eyes.

Though they are healed now,

and no one else can see them but me,

I never forgot what they looked like.

How could I forget?

How could I forget you?