a letter for my unrelated daughter

Hey there, Isabella..

I know you can't see this, but I love you.

I write to you all the time whenever I think of you. I think of you in all the songs I know you liked, and when I pass by your favorite foods..

I think about you everyday, and always worried I made a mistake protecting myself and not you..

Please know it was never because of you or to hurt you.

I know I am never going to be your mother, and that was never a problem, but you mean the world to me.

I know it might be hard to see now, but I did everything I could with what I knew at the time.

I wish you could see how hard I tried to teach you to care more for yourself, and those around you.

I hope one day you will see how I wanted you to understand that you are a leader every day, even if you think no one is paying attention. That what you do influences your peers and the younger kids you play with. I'd like to think you learned that lesson, even if I dont receive the credit.

I'm sorry about the fighting.

With you, your dad..

And the hardest was with your mom.

I hope she knows too, that I was trying my best for YOU. I wanted her to do the things I was doing, because you had told me how much you love your mom and just wanted to spend real time with her. I only wanted her to grow so you could have that. I'm sorry I didnt handle that better..

I'm sorry, Isabella. I broke a promise to always be there. I never meant to hurt you or confuse you. And I really hope one day you see that.

I love you. Maybe one day you'll understand that our emotions get the best of us sometimes, and maybe you'll be able to forgive me. I am not the same person as before, and I never will be.

Isabella Kay Lynn Marie, YOU are the reason I quit drinking. Even if it took me longer than I expected.

I love you so SO much, and I'm sorry I cant show you how much you mean to me.

Maybe miracles really do happen,

but for now I am grateful I had you as long I did.